My heart aches. I love Him, yes, but faintly.
I desire Him, yes, but weakly.
I want Him, true, but waveringly.
Even the pain that lies within
I recognize to be such faint pain,
A mere discomfort next to the heart-wrenching anguish
That grips true lovers.
My knowledge is nothing. My wisdom, infancy.
I see nothing as it truly is.
Eternity what is light. This life of earth what is dark.
Stories remain stories. Not sinking deep within my soul,
And scarring me with Diving invasion.
Your cross is a picture, Your heaven a fantasy.
Tears are sweet emotions, moved by Your sacrifice.
But not the tears of sharing in Your sufferings.
I say Your name so sweetly but do not know its Face.
All I am is far. So distant, so removed.
But you beckon me come.
Yet my Lord I am nothing. I have nothing. I know nothing.
When I thought I have something,
It dissolved before Your beauty,
And I was left naked. Possessing nothing.
Poor for words. Empty of all. Needy and alone.
Even so, my Love, call me.
Yes, do not leave me here but beckon me come.
Though I have nothing, though I am only poor,
I cast myself in your unfailing love.
Where else would I go?
Whom have I but you?
Thursday, October 8, 2009
The Reason
October 8, 2009 (Thursday)
“I have set the Lord always before me.
Because He is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken."
Psalm 16:8
The night was cold and windy that Wednesday as I went home from CORE, but I didn't mind at all. For my thoughts circled through a flood of realizations. Realizations I wished I should have had many months ago. And perhaps I would not be crawling my way back to Him.
For a long time I thought I was strong, strong enough to do things all by myself. I thought that as long as I am with Jesus, I will never falter. But as I watched my dreams unattained and goals thwarted, my fist I held high against the God I worshipped. There was no more praise on my lips but only questions an unfaithful child would utter. I wondered how all came to be. I wondered, for I thought that I stumble was sangfroid, I thought my decisions were right enough…
Yes, I had fallen and had turn back to the world. The world I had said goodbye to when I gave my heart to Jesus and made Him my Saviour, my Lover, my Redeemer...and I had prayed that He would be my “everything.” But my heart I took back as I saw all the things dear to me fall apart before my very eyes. The world that had broken me became my dear escape. Though knowing that I'll find no joy, I stayed under its shadows and tried to hide from God.
I hid because I was hurt. I hid because I can no longer take a single step towards him, knowing that it would the death of me, the death of my flesh. I hid because I don’t understand His love. I hid because I thought He was being unfair. I hid because I know He was the one who allowed pain to come. I hid because my plans aren’t His plans. And I blamed Him for all the hurts even though I know that I was the one at fault all along.
It was me at fault because I held on to idols when he told me to let go. I stayed when He told me to move on. I made my own plans when He told me to do His will. I followed my self when He told me to follow Him. I questioned and asked when all He wanted me to do was obey. And I thought I’m okay on my own when without Him I am nothing.
And I was reminded in CORE that I am not the only. A lot of us think that that the longer we are with Christ, the stronger we become. We think that as long as long as we read our Bibles, go to church nth times a week, or be in Christian fellowship, we will be okay. We believe that there are some things that are trivial and that we can solve it by ourselves. We delusion that as long as we remember Christ-- while we’re in school, while we are working, during leisure, and even in our relationship--we will not stumble nor be shaken. We are fooling no one but ourselves. In our efforts, we have none to boast. We shouldn’t even rely on ourselves. It's not even our strength, for we are weak, but it is Christ's strength manifested through us. It’s not our works that would assure us an eternity with Him, but only through Christ’s grace. It’s not just about being with Him but it’s about following Him. It’s not about understanding, but it’s about obeying. It’s not about remembering Him in our activities; it’s about making it about Him and for Him…stumble
All of us do stumble and all of us do fail. We fall into situations that we don’t want to be in. And we all know that discipline makes us ask “why?” Indeed, we are good at asking God why. But maybe we should also ask ourselves.
“Is God really God of my life?
“Am I following God or am I just making Him an audience?”
I had learned the hard way and I am coming back to Him. Though crawling I still praise Him but for He is merciful and loving God, who is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. And I pray that, indeed, we will let God be the God of our "everything."
“I have set the Lord always before me.
Because He is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken."
Psalm 16:8
The night was cold and windy that Wednesday as I went home from CORE, but I didn't mind at all. For my thoughts circled through a flood of realizations. Realizations I wished I should have had many months ago. And perhaps I would not be crawling my way back to Him.
For a long time I thought I was strong, strong enough to do things all by myself. I thought that as long as I am with Jesus, I will never falter. But as I watched my dreams unattained and goals thwarted, my fist I held high against the God I worshipped. There was no more praise on my lips but only questions an unfaithful child would utter. I wondered how all came to be. I wondered, for I thought that I stumble was sangfroid, I thought my decisions were right enough…
Yes, I had fallen and had turn back to the world. The world I had said goodbye to when I gave my heart to Jesus and made Him my Saviour, my Lover, my Redeemer...and I had prayed that He would be my “everything.” But my heart I took back as I saw all the things dear to me fall apart before my very eyes. The world that had broken me became my dear escape. Though knowing that I'll find no joy, I stayed under its shadows and tried to hide from God.
I hid because I was hurt. I hid because I can no longer take a single step towards him, knowing that it would the death of me, the death of my flesh. I hid because I don’t understand His love. I hid because I thought He was being unfair. I hid because I know He was the one who allowed pain to come. I hid because my plans aren’t His plans. And I blamed Him for all the hurts even though I know that I was the one at fault all along.
It was me at fault because I held on to idols when he told me to let go. I stayed when He told me to move on. I made my own plans when He told me to do His will. I followed my self when He told me to follow Him. I questioned and asked when all He wanted me to do was obey. And I thought I’m okay on my own when without Him I am nothing.
And I was reminded in CORE that I am not the only. A lot of us think that that the longer we are with Christ, the stronger we become. We think that as long as long as we read our Bibles, go to church nth times a week, or be in Christian fellowship, we will be okay. We believe that there are some things that are trivial and that we can solve it by ourselves. We delusion that as long as we remember Christ-- while we’re in school, while we are working, during leisure, and even in our relationship--we will not stumble nor be shaken. We are fooling no one but ourselves. In our efforts, we have none to boast. We shouldn’t even rely on ourselves. It's not even our strength, for we are weak, but it is Christ's strength manifested through us. It’s not our works that would assure us an eternity with Him, but only through Christ’s grace. It’s not just about being with Him but it’s about following Him. It’s not about understanding, but it’s about obeying. It’s not about remembering Him in our activities; it’s about making it about Him and for Him…stumble
All of us do stumble and all of us do fail. We fall into situations that we don’t want to be in. And we all know that discipline makes us ask “why?” Indeed, we are good at asking God why. But maybe we should also ask ourselves.
“Is God really God of my life?
“Am I following God or am I just making Him an audience?”
I had learned the hard way and I am coming back to Him. Though crawling I still praise Him but for He is merciful and loving God, who is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. And I pray that, indeed, we will let God be the God of our "everything."
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