Beautifully Broken

Lord, do you see? Do you the darkness that builds up in me? Do you see the pain that cripples me? Do you hear every tear that streak down my face as I cry in helplessness? Do you feel my sob as I shook in anxiousness, hoping that someone will come and hold me, fragile as I am? But to my dismay found no one near; found no one who could help. Found no one who could ease the pain and calm the storm in me. Lord, how? Lord, how do you put up with this? Why? Lord, why? Why do you let me be pulled in? Why do you allow this paranoia to wound me? Wound me in the deepest part of my being. The very being that, I, myself does not know well. Where are you Lord? Let not coldness envelop me but only the warmth of your peace and love alone.

Oh Lord my days are but vapour, and how I wish that my end would just be a swift. Truly Lord, I must not know you that well. For I can not understand why you would let me be laid broken first, like shattered porcelain, that I may be whole and pure like silver without dross. What am I then Lord that your eyes are on me? Aren’t I like the vapour that runs and hides in the ever changing wind or the dreams that come vaguely and are often forgotten as the sun peeks from the glorious mountain tops that your own hands made? I know that I am nothing, a mere portion of a single pixel in your marvellous masterpiece, but why then Lord must you seek after me as if I was of any worth to you. It doesn’t illuminate the blackness that clouds my mind. Shouldn’t I be the one seeking you? Shouldn’t I be the one celebrating? I am left dumbfounded by your mercy and grace. Is this truly how you love Lord? Then Lord let me understand, reveal yourself to me.

Why do you plan my every step? Why do you care so much? And yet, even though you see the cliff that I may fall from you tell me to walk as the crow flies for your plans are perfect and are unblemished. Oh God, how can I fathom your majesty and how can I question your authority, I clearly have no right. But God though you slay me, yet will I hope in you (Job 13:15). For destruction is not what awaits me at the end of the precipice but absolute freedom, complete and true. And yet am I just deceitful to my own heart and to you by declaring such things; declaring such confidence when I bend lowly in cowardice? I am feeble. Hopeless as I seem, nevertheless my mind still aver that I should hold on to what my mouth declares. You, after all, made it clear that my faith should be never being based on my meagre and unfounded sentiments. God, take my wretched heart then and free me; for I don’t want to be a prisoner of my own doubts and unfaithfulness. Let me not worry on what I fear in front of me or in me but give strength and hold me close, that I may be reminded that you hold my yesterdays, today, and tomorrows.

And God, if reality completely fades, please promise me that you’ll remain my only truth.